I hate goodbyes. I have said more than my fair share in my life and I still hate them.
At Rockbridge this year, I heard a lot of old phrases that I honestly believed in just shot down. Time heals all wounds? God will never give you more than you can handle? These are lies we tell ourselves so that we can have faith and confidence in ourselves. They are some of the most arrogant and idiotic things we can say.
I am so sad. I am sad that some of my best friends are moving hundreds of miles away. I am sad that my favorite TV show is officially over. I am sad that being home still causes so much pain. I am sad.
But the reason I am sad is what I’m most thankful for. I am thankful for having such tremendous friendships that having distance come between us is painful. I am thankful for The Office for making me laugh and cry. I am thankful for Auri for giving me the chance to be a part of the View Crew.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds. God does give us more than we can handle. The good news is that God can heal all wounds. And that we can do all things through Him who gives us strength.
So, I love y’all. Goodbye. :)
Some of my favorite grads. #feelings
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)
So it’s the Monday after Easter and I’ve had one of the best weekends of my life and I just thought I should update while I am in a good mood. Because this semester has been overall pretty rough, these beautiful happy days are hard to come by.
I am happy right now. Two of my favorite people in the whole world got engaged, I got to go home for Easter, and I’m thinking about the Auri thing less and less. It’s a weird, mixed feeling having life moving forward like this. I remember desperately yearning for these days back in January. I remember wanting to go to sleep without crying and not wanting to talk about what I was going through.
But on Thursday I had a talk with one of my favorite adults in the whole world, Jeff Shrout. I still refer to him as Daddy Shrout sometimes when I don’t think about it (thanks Robin). But we’d had Bible study and he was kind enough to sit in Einstein’s with me while I tried my best to explain what was going on. After I told him things I was struggling with, the what ifs that have been haunting me since November, he affirmed me in my struggles. It was encouraging to hear that despite the way I feel, I was doing the right things. And not only that, but in all the what if situations, I would have done the right thing. I’d doubted myself in these past few months, questioning if I would actually be the person I’d always thought I was. And Jeff reminded me that even though I doubt and even though I feel guilty, I am still kind. And compassionate. And I desire to know God, even if it hurts and even if I spend most worship times in tears. He had noticed that I’d been trying to distance myself from my feelings. And being told by someone that I not only consider a friend, but have great respect for, tell me that it was okay to feel the things I feel was a relief.
Moving on has been weird. The happy days make me feel even guiltier sometimes. I tend to forget that I deserve to have happy days and I deserve to have friends who lift me up. When my friends offer their help, I have the tendency to shy away from it and brush it off with an, “I’m fine.” So I’m thankful to have people remind me that they want to hear about my life. I’m thankful for friends who do not leave when things get hard (or when I am mean and distant). And I’m thankful for a God who doesn’t let go.