I don’t have a choice, but I still choose You.

I was originally going to post a super long, super descriptive post about what happened at Rockbridge. But instead, I opted for a shorter version with less personal stuff and more shout-outs to people I love and God. :)

So Rockbridge was AWESOME. Awesome isn’t even a good enough word for it, honestly. But it gets the point across! Anyways, I was in the Identity Transformed track which was exactly where I needed to be. We focused on the difference between our false selves and our true selves.

I was broken coming into Rockbridge. I tried to feign (see what I did there?) happiness and strength, but after the first full day, I lost it. I couldn’t do it anymore. My false self had been shaped by others my entire life- and I literally couldn’t take it anymore. I put everything I could muster into finding my true self.

And as I thought about it, I realized I had strayed away from God that semester. When things got tough, I turned to myself; not God. When people asked how I was doing, my instinct was to tell them about small group, believing that my identity was “small group leader”. But the truth was that I was broken and lonely.

So at Rockbridge this year, I re-accepted Christ. I knew something big had happened in not only my head, but my heart as well.

We used this tree metaphor a lot in Identity Transformed. My old, false self had been ripped out by the roots. My new, true self had its roots in Christ. I knew a peace I had never known before. I was and am a different person.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m still me. I love reading and sweet tea and hugs. But I am more than the small, shy, blonde girl that everyone sees.

My FALSE self: I am an accident with no purpose, unless others give me one.

My TRUE self: I am an adopted daughter of the most high King!

So there you go. Fairly short and sweet post on Rockbridge. Now time for some shout outs because I love my friends and Jesus has blessed me with them. :)

My amazing, wonderful small group leader Patrick Madigan. I cannot say enough about how awesome you were. I’m sure you blessed many more people this week too! :)

My Rockbridge small group buddy for LIFE, Jessie Sprouse! Seriously, you are one of the most beautiful, incredible women of God I have ever known. I am so glad we were in the same small group again. God clearly thinks we go great together! :P

My (ex?) co-leader Abigail Jobe who let me basically just sob for 20 minutes in silence while holding my hand. You have been a huge blessing this year, and I know you were busy getting used to V-team stuff but you still went out of your way to talk to me and I am so grateful. Okay, I could go on and on, but I’ll leave it there. You’re THE BEST! :D

My fellow tribute and Tuesday luncher, Marshall Burke. I am so glad we got to hang out this year! And I’m so glad we (almost) survived the Hunger Games together. :)

My former small group leader and just overall beautiful lady, Maddie Yoder. Thanks for doing the same thing as Abigail and just letting me cry and holding my hand and praying for me. Thanks for setting such a wonderful example and being so genuine with everyone. Love you to the moon and back! :)

My very good friend, Robin Howell, for nearly losing her voice while cheering for me during the Hunger Games. I’m so glad you came to Rockbridge this year! Seriously. SERIOUSLY. :D

And general shout-outs to CNU IV and my Identity Transformed small group. Y’all’re beloved, androgynous children of God! And I am so thankful for all of you! Thanks for a wonderful, life changing week!!!

Maddie’s legacy. AKA some of my favorite women all in one picture.

Jimothy.

(Source: jimhalpertscreencaps)

My life. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND!

(Source: juliemartinphotography)

Amazing Grace

So at Rockbridge this year, I wrote a poem during the retreat of silence. It’s not very good, but it’s very honest. So if you wanna read it, have a go! I’ll have a post about Rockbridge in a week or two. :)

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Lent is hard (and other Easter things).

Lent was difficult for me this year. Like, INSANELY difficult.

For those of you who don’t know, I gave up two things for Lent: soda (a tangible item) and sarcasm (a not-so-tangible item). Both of these have worked as crutches in my life for many years. So I wanted to experiment with a life without sarcasm and see what happened.

It was hard. Sarcasm has been my defense mechanism since before I can remember. I can think of numerous conversations where people were openly willing to share. Instead of taking advantage of these moments, I typically made a dumb, sarcastic comment to avoid them. Being vulnerable scares me.

So in giving up sarcasm, I was giving up my shield. God’s timing came into play prety well here.

I had a lot of personal issues come up that involved being honest with people and openly admitting my faults. I couldn’t just play it off like I normally would. This led to some really great conversations (although I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that some were painful). 

It also meant I had to shut my mouth a lot more than usual. My urge to lash out at people was cut off. There were times I literally opened my mouth to say something before shutting it abruptly and biting my tongue. I had for so long been hearing what people were saying without actually listening to it. And you know what I learned?

My friends are funny. And smart and kind and so many other wonderful adjectives. And not only that, but they love God. And they love sharing that love with everyone they come in contact with, including me. 

I learned that my sarcasm was a tool I used to reject my friends’ love. And even worse, a tool I used to reject God’s love. I had a lot of fairly bad things happen that caused me to pray to God begging for help. But at the end of the prayer, I did the spiritual equivalent of rolling my eyes. I was skeptical of how good God was.

Terrible, I know. 

And then I went to the IV Prayer Room where the theme was injustice. I went around to all the different stations, not quite feeling attached to it at all. I didn’t feel any deep stirring movements in my heart. And then at one point, they asked me to think about the injustice I felt had been done against me. I was flabbergasted. And I realized what exactly had happened to me in the weeks preceding.

And so I wrote out a prayer to God. I told him how I felt I was being picked on. How I felt denied of even the simple pleasures of life. I felt betrayed and alone. I had friendships that were hanging on by a thread, a deep anger at being single, and more vulnerable than usual. I felt like God had picked my weakest moment to turn against me. 

And it clicked.

At noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock. At about three o’clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?”

Matthew 27:45-46 (NLT)

God was not picking on me. He simply had better timing than I could imagine. All I could see was the darkness; what I was failing to see was the light at the end of the tunnel.

The truth is, this life doesn’t have to be good. It’s not meant to be. We are meant for something so much better afterwards. No broken friendship or towed car can keep me from Jesus. And I think that is the Best News I have heard in a while.

I’m going to end this post with an anecdote because it makes me smile. Enjoy. :)

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