an unexamined life is not worth living

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Sat, 18 May 2013 02:27:12 -0400

"I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them."

Sat, 18 May 2013 02:20:32 -0400

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.”

- Andy Bernard, The Office (via euihwanp)

Goodbyes stink.

Sat, 18 May 2013 01:52:33 -0400

I hate goodbyes. I have said more than my fair share in my life and I still hate them.

At Rockbridge this year, I heard a lot of old phrases that I honestly believed in just shot down. Time heals all wounds? God will never give you more than you can handle? These are lies we tell ourselves so that we can have faith and confidence in ourselves. They are some of the most arrogant and idiotic things we can say.

I am so sad. I am sad that some of my best friends are moving hundreds of miles away. I am sad that my favorite TV show is officially over. I am sad that being home still causes so much pain. I am sad.

But the reason I am sad is what I’m most thankful for. I am thankful for having such tremendous friendships that having distance come between us is painful. I am thankful for The Office for making me laugh and cry. I am thankful for Auri for giving me the chance to be a part of the View Crew.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. God does give us more than we can handle. The good news is that God can heal all wounds. And that we can do all things through Him who gives us strength.

So, I love y’all. Goodbye. :)

Some of my favorite grads. #feelings

Mon, 13 May 2013 01:59:13 -0400

Some of my favorite grads. #feelings

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Sat, 13 Apr 2013 23:50:16 -0400

And the tree was happy.

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 12:52:41 -0400

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)

So it’s the Monday after Easter and I’ve had one of the best weekends of my life and I just thought I should update while I am in a good mood. Because this semester has been overall pretty rough, these beautiful happy days are hard to come by.

I am happy right now. Two of my favorite people in the whole world got engaged, I got to go home for Easter, and I’m thinking about the Auri thing less and less. It’s a weird, mixed feeling having life moving forward like this. I remember desperately yearning for these days back in January. I remember wanting to go to sleep without crying and not wanting to talk about what I was going through.

But on Thursday I had a talk with one of my favorite adults in the whole world, Jeff Shrout. I still refer to him as Daddy Shrout sometimes when I don’t think about it (thanks Robin). But we’d had Bible study and he was kind enough to sit in Einstein’s with me while I tried my best to explain what was going on. After I told him things I was struggling with, the what ifs that have been haunting me since November, he affirmed me in my struggles. It was encouraging to hear that despite the way I feel, I was doing the right things. And not only that, but in all the what if situations, I would have done the right thing. I’d doubted myself in these past few months, questioning if I would actually be the person I’d always thought I was. And Jeff reminded me that even though I doubt and even though I feel guilty, I am still kind. And compassionate. And I desire to know God, even if it hurts and even if I spend most worship times in tears. He had noticed that I’d been trying to distance myself from my feelings. And being told by someone that I not only consider a friend, but have great respect for, tell me that it was okay to feel the things I feel was a relief.

Moving on has been weird. The happy days make me feel even guiltier sometimes. I tend to forget that I deserve to have happy days and I deserve to have friends who lift me up. When my friends offer their help, I have the tendency to shy away from it and brush it off with an, “I’m fine.” So I’m thankful to have people remind me that they want to hear about my life. I’m thankful for friends who do not leave when things get hard (or when I am mean and distant). And I’m thankful for a God who doesn’t let go.

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Mon, 01 Apr 2013 12:35:31 -0400

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Sun, 24 Mar 2013 15:10:28 -0400

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 23:59:53 -0500

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal..."

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 23:59:23 -0500

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

- 1 Peter 5:10 (via untilonlyloveremains)

To the View Crew

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 23:53:41 -0500

It has been almost two months since the last time I saw y’all. It was cold then, Christmas lights still twinkling in some places. I had lost my voice at Urbana but still sang and talked with you at our last hangout. I had stayed surprisingly stoic throughout it all, my usual crybaby self had been subdued since… well, y’know.

And this morning I punched Zack-eee and the way he and Mason and Parker all looked at me almost killed me. And then there was bowling tonight and I was attacked with hugs and people hovered around me the whole time. I looked around at all of you smiling and it made my heart feel something so unusual.

The truth is, I’ve been miserable without you. I went to school and despite seeing my old friends and making lots of new ones, I felt more alone then ever. I told quite a few people what happened. But it’s one of those things where people don’t know what to say and you kind of wish you just hadn’t said anything.

I’m finally getting my chance to grieve and work through things. And I’ve been keeping something buried inside me for a long time.

I have felt so guilty about everything that’s happened in the past few months. About him. About me. He wasn’t around to take the blame. So I took it for myself.

This guilt has made every single day at CNU a difficult one. The weirdest things trigger it. The book in Barnes & Noble. My cross necklace. Going to a different church. The way my friends look at me.

I thought because I had left, I was the worst human being alive. I had done something unforgivable. But then I heard a truth I had been missing.

“Just because you forgive them, it doesn’t mean that what they did was okay.”

Because you know what? What he did wasn’t okay. It was really, REALLY not okay. And my anger and hurt isn’t this weird emotion. It’s an accurate, honest response to what he did. And it sucks. It sucks, it sucks, IT SUCKS.

I’ve been really pushing away from God. For most of January, I was wondering if I wanted anything to do with Him. But for some reason I will never understand, He doesn’t seem willing to let go of me.

It’s still hard. This week will be weird and going back will be hard. But I’m trying, y’know?

I guess I just wanted to say thanks. Out of all of the mess of 2012, y’all are my favorites. You are diamonds in the rough. I don’t think I will ever be able to express how much I love y’all.

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Sun, 17 Feb 2013 02:39:13 -0500

How did it get so late so soon?

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 18:54:00 -0500

It’s weird how time works. On my semester off, I thought I would never get back to CNU. January seemed like this far away place that would never actually come to be. Time moved pretty slowly until November. And then stuff happened and time went zooming right along until I found myself homeless but back at CNU.

It’s been really tough. I spent the first few weeks struggling with this burden of guilt. All of my decisions felt like the exact wrong thing to do. Everything bad was my fault. And then I would get mad at myself for being mad and sad and it left me feeling really, really alone.

I sought solace in falling into old habits, wanting to be the girl I was last year. I was silly and people made fun of me and it was fine. I was fine. But I wasn’t. I took my hurt and anger out on the wrong people. I knew I was doing it and I couldn’t stop myself. And people responded with a kindness I had never known. The fact that my friends that I hadn’t seen in so long were being so overtly nice to me was too much.

The truth is, I’m sad. I was sad, I am still sad, and I will probably continue being sad. Some things don’t just go away, no matter how badly you want them to. And that’s the root of the problem, I guess.

I want to be done with it. I thought distance and time would help. But it’s 3 months later and 3 hours away and it still sits in my heart, making every little beat extra painful.

I am still so angry. I am still so sad. But I’m trying. I am trying so hard.

The nights when I am filled with doubt are softened by the mornings after, the promise of new things waiting to happen. The moments of loneliness disappear into the moments when my friends walk up and ask me how my day’s been. It’s like last year, only better. Because I’m being honest with my friends in a way that I’ve never been before.

Like, I really love you guys. I love CNU. And I’m really bummed that we have so little time together left. But it’s not the amount of time we spend together that matters- it’s the fact that we were together, even if for a very small time. Thanks for loving me. And thanks for loving Jesus.

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Sun, 06 Jan 2013 02:50:10 -0500

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Sun, 06 Jan 2013 02:22:31 -0500

"Shh. Listen."

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 02:08:55 -0500

I um… I am at a loss for words lately.

I spent the last month of 2012 really struggling. I felt let down by my friends, my family, even God. I was going to Urbana with a very different mindset than those around me.

I told God, “This is it. I can’t do this anymore. If You are worth it, show me.”

2012 was hard. A lot of things happened. It was like getting pushed down, getting back up, only to be pushed the other way. I was frustrated and broken. I tried to get perspective to no avail. Everything was too close and too painful.

So I got away. I hopped in a car to freaking St. Louis.

I spent the first 24 hours wondering how I was supposed to get time alone. I was sharing a room with 5 girls, going to seminars with hundreds of people, braving the bookstore and exhibit hall full of people vying for my attention, and worshiping with 16,000 other people. And there was little old me, smack dab in the middle of it.

My throat hurt. I couldn’t sing a lot during worship, frustrating me even more. But then, in the middle of worship one night, I heard it:

“Shh. Listen.”

Overwhelmed, I sat in my chair and put my face in my hands.

“Shh. Listen.”

Voices around me were praising God.

“Shh. Listen.”

There were 16,000 people in that place and God was talking to me.

I cried. I hadn’t cried, really cried, in a while. Why was he talking to me?

“Because I love you. Because you are worth it.”

I am not better off now than I was before Urbana. A lot of the wrong in my life still exists now. But I got some perspective. I heard some truths I had been missing.

No, God doesn’t need us. But He wants us. He desires us, like a violin he has played for years and knows better than any other violin. He is with us even when we don’t see him. All of the suffering I had endured in 2012 served a purpose- to bring me closer to Him.

God calls us to leave our boats and follow Him; to become fishermen of men. He seeks us like the one lost lamb. He calls us by name. Even when we are the ones seeking him, He is the one who finds us.

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Sun, 06 Jan 2013 01:42:40 -0500

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Wed, 02 Jan 2013 04:09:34 -0500

like a prodigal

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 03:36:30 -0500

“I forgive you.”

I find myself constantly struggling to say those words out loud. I find myself struggling even more when I can’t make my heart actually do it.

I don’t understand forgiveness. Instead I often apologize, trying to force an apology out of the other person. Placing more blame on myself doesn’t fix brokenness. But Jesus does.

The Bible says to forgive as YOU have been forgiven. And I have been forgiven many trespasses.

And so for 2013, I have something to say to many of you that is long overdue.

I FORGIVE YOU.

I can’t help but cry as I type this. But I forgive you. I forgive you because I love you. And my love is greater than any hurt you could possibly do to me. Jesus’s love overcame sin and therefore frees me from hurt.

So I forgive. I do not expect any apologies. I expect only grace and freedom from my own chains holding onto you.

I’ll be praying for all of you throughout 2013.

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Sat, 22 Dec 2012 01:38:59 -0500